![]() ![]() Rap music loves a good turn-up, but more often than not, stouts and pilsners are cast aside in favor of flashier beverages like champagne, Hennessy, and Patrón. But maybe that’s because I’m inundated every day with Biggie blasting in restaurants, whereas I’m starved for opportunities to combine hip-hop with my other great love: beer. I’ve come to terms with the fact that two things you hold dear don’t always have to work well together. ![]() “What does a punch in the face taste like? Just try Malört.Last year, I took the opportunity to gripe about hip-hop at restaurants, arguing that a combination of bad acoustics and unclear motivations often conspire to make rap an unwelcome guest in dining rooms. “When you’re putting your kid’s shoes on and it’s getting to be time to replace them-the way they smell is how Malört tastes." - Whet Moser, Senior editor, Chicago magazine “It’s like swallowing a burnt condom full of gas.” - Jason Sudeikis’ character, Gene, in Drinking Buddies “What can you say about drinking Malört that hasn’t already said…about drinking pesticide?” - Sean Cooley, Thrillist “It tastes like someone vomited up their gin and now you're drinking it from a shoe.” - Reddit user Look_to_the_Stars “This Malort tastes like Nintendo Switch cartridge.” - Someone Twitter user overheard at MAGFest If someone ever calls you un-manly…” - Binny’s Beverage Depot website commenter tapoutrightnow ![]() The aftertaste is just about the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth OTHER than the aftertaste of vomit… It was the worst liquor I've ever had, and hopefully my review will save you from having to endure this STUPID tradition. “Subject: A stupid Chicago tradition has gone TOO FAR… This literally tastes like throw up. And if Malört isn't the liquid equivalent of a Chicago winter, I'm not really sure what is." - The Violet Hour head mixologist Toby Maloney to Munchies You earn it by living through those winters. “Malört tastes like a baby aspirin wrapped in a grapefruit peel, bound with rubber bands and then soaked in well gin.” - Sam Mechling, marketing director for Jeppson’s Malört, to Inked magazine Fill the bottle with that, let it ferment in a warm closet. “Imagine twisting damp socks after a heavy workout and squeezing the moisture into a bottle. "Malort tastes like fertilizer except it doesn't grow on you." - The “Wall of Malort” at Nisei Lounge in Wrigleyville “It tastes like pencil shavings and heartbreak." - John Hodgman on WTF with Marc Maron Its bitter taste is savored by two-fisted drinkers.” - Current Jeppson’s Malört label “Jeppson Malört has the aroma and full-bodied flavor of an unusual botanical. Our liquor is rugged and unrelenting (even brutal) to the palate…we found only 1 out of 49 men will drink Jeppson’s Malört after the first ‘shock-glass.’” - Original Jeppson’s Malört label Its strong, sharp taste is not for everyone. “Most first-time drinkers of Jeppson’s Malört reject our liquor. So we collected our favorite descriptions of this utterly un-sippable Chicago drink, for your heaving pleasure. Professional food and drink writers and anonymous internet commenters alike have taken on the great task of identifying Malört’s unique putridity. While we can (mostly) all agree that Malört tastes, um, unsavory, we can’t all seem to agree the specific way in which the liquor ravages our taste buds. Related: Unpopular Opinion: Malört Is Good (It was legal, as it was deemed a “medicinal alcohol”-we assume it’s the miracle cure for my-mouth-tastes-too-normal-and-good-right-now disease.) Today, you can find the iconic label behind nearly every bar in the city, and tattooed to waaaaay too many biceps in Logan Square. Named for Swedish immigrant Carl Jeppson, who brought the drink to America, the wormwood-based schnapps became an Andersonville mainstay during Prohibition. ![]() Jeppson’s Malört: the unofficial beverage of Chicago. ![]()
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